Opposites Attack

Conflict is misunderstood. We either see it as a necessary evil or a terrible hindrance. It is rare to see conflict as the very source of the good stuff in life. Even if we get this conceptually, how many of us see conflict coming and then have our hearts swell with gratitude because we know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that it is an opportunity to reach the next level of happiness or calm? The truth about conflict came so simply out of the mouth of one of my clients when he was describing the mutual respect and growing passion he and his wife of 30 years had been experiencing. He said, “It all came from the adversity.”

James and Katherine raised their children, saw them launched, and found it was time for them to deal with each other, something they hadn’t done with much happiness or success for decades. James tip-toed around Katherine’s fiery temper except of course when he was articulating his own. Katherine exploded whatever bad mood she had upon James and she pushed him away at every turn. James described Katherine as a woman “not generous enough for even mercy-fucking” and Katherine described James as less than a man.

One year later they were sitting in my office feeling quite differently. James attributed their new-found happiness to the very conflict that brought them to my office. He no longer found his biting sarcasm as satisfying as it used to be. She no longer felt pushing him away was the empowered thing to do. They would not have found the best in themselves had they not dealt with the conflict deriving from the worst in themselves. Solution to conflict was growth. They wouldn’t have grown if they didn’t feel the need and conflict is what makes us feel the need.

If blood will flow when flesh and steel are one
Drying in the color of the evening sun
Tomorrow’s rain will wash the stains away
But something in our minds will always stay

-Sting

The world is a dangerous place to live; not because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don’t do anything about it.

-Albert Einstein

I’ve seen the new Les Miserables for the second time now. The musical is an exploration of the loss of innocence…of what happens when the dreams we dream as children are torn apart, when we are asked the most perplexing question who do we choose to be when our backs are against the wall. I’ve been talking with many clients recently about their wish for life to be easier or for family members to be kinder. We’ve been talking about the anxiety of facing the fact that life isn’t easy and family members are not kind.

I met a wife once, desperate and miserable after four decades of marriage. Her husband had had multiple affairs, countless internet liaisons, and he let her know he had no intention of stopping. She preferred to deny what was right in front of her by asking me directly to tell her he couldn’t help it. She was hoping I might call him a wounded child or a sufferer of mental illness – ANYTHING but cruel. She wanted the darkness of her life to remain invisible, even unto herself. She wanted it to be invisible as much as her husband did. Her unwillingness to face the fact that her husband intended harm made her party to the problem.

Most of us, like this woman, get stuck in the anxiety or fear that facing cruelty in our very own families would be more difficult than keeping our heads down and playing it safe. But would it? In the short term, yes. In the long term, if we do not confront ourselves and our fears, we may end up with bigger consequences than we bargained for and much less time to work it all out.

But our nature prefers homeostasis, safety, and security. Pretending the dark side doesn’t really exist becomes necessary for us to keep the façade going. It’s in the fabric of our families and our culture. We are admonished frequently to look on the bright side (and ignore the subtle yet vicious jabs your spouse throws out). Be grateful for what you have (and pretend the terrible ways your mother treats you aren’t so terrible). You must live life on your terms (even if those terms short change or mess with those closest to you). With our culture’s (and often times our family’s) insistence on ignoring and pretending and covering up, dealing effectively with life becomes infinitely more difficult. Why? Because darkness cannot be fought if it is invisible.

This penchant for invisibility happens on a mass scale – the Catholic Church, the boy scouts, slavery, apartheid, the Holocaust, etc. – and it happens on a smaller domestic scale – emotional manipulation, mind-screwing, revenge. In Les Miserables, Inspector Javert covered up his evil by hiding behind the law, pummeling his victims with an insistence they follow the letter of the law while he ignored the complexities and dilemmas of human suffering and poverty. In families we cover up our manipulations and cruelties in a multitude of ways. Pummeling our spouses for sex is hidden under the guise of meeting each other’s needs. Never rising to the occasion or making a decision (in parenting or with in-laws or for where to go to dinner) is hidden under the guise of communication problems.

We are a species that values the shiny and beautiful over the not so glamorous genuine and substantive. We are all repeatedly called to action every time human tragedy or atrocity occurs. We are called to stop dithering around and to call cruel intent or lack of integrity what it is. Adam Lanza wasn’t a victim of mental illness. He knew what he was doing. Would December 14^th have been a different day if someone in his life had looked directly at the darkness around and in him? Maybe. Maybe…

Maybe if we can find a way to face the dark sides of our selves, our lives, and our relationships, perhaps we have a chance of changing the bigger, more violent acts in our world.

There will always be those among us who commit terrible acts of violence, just as there will always be those of us who wish to fight against it, or at the very least, like Jean Valjean in Les Miserables, those of us who will choose to live a life apart, a life without violence and filled with love. We cannot obliterate evil, but we can stop pretending we live in a safe world filled with people who never really intend harm. It starts at home. It starts with you.

Street Angel, House Devil

I was speaking with an old family friend recently who has been married now for 40 years. He’s miserable. He’s so miserable he said that he was glad he was 76 and not 46 because he wouldn’t have to live through his miserable marriage for much longer. He was surprised when I got angry with him for this sentiment. I like this guy. He’s a dear friend and it made me mad that he was wimp-ing out on life – on me his friend, on his kids, and on the rest of his family. What he was dealing with was what many deal with. Strassen engel, haus teufel. Street angel, house devil.

Street angel, house devil is a familiar expression in Germany – so familiar, one need only say street angel and people know exactly what is meant. Oh, how I wish we would have such an expression in the states! It might be helpful for people like my friend. A street angel, house devil is someone who is seemingly loved and respected by their social groups, but when they come home, their viciousness and cruelty reigns. The popular film Mommy Dearest comes to mind as a great example.

How is it that my friend could stay married to such a person for so long? If you think about it in terms of mind-mapping, these street angels are pros at both mind-mapping and mind-twisting. My friend’s wife is one of the best I’ve heard about. She knows who to pour the sickie sweetness on (people at church, people with self-esteem, people in positions of authority) and on whom to pour out her brutalities (her children, any children actually, her husband, other family members). How does she know whom to pick on? She maps them. She knows who isn’t capable of standing tall in the face of it.

But she makes people believe she doesn’t know. How? She makes them believe she is the victim in all of her activities and that they are, in fact, hurting her. It’s quite brilliant, actually, when you can step back and look at it.

When my friend finally calls her on being mean, she freaks out and he tells me she’ll fall on the floor crying and writhing about how mean he is being to her. When I asked my friend what he does in those moments he told me something very interesting. He told me he walks away. He’s had it at that point. The most interesting part – this is when she changes her behavior. She becomes nice. She has mapped that he is thinking about leaving her and she can’t let that happen. So she gets nice for a while. Until she’s got him again. And the whole things starts all over. Street angel, house devil.

My friend’s dilemma? He thinks she doesn’t know what she’s doing. His mind has been twisted. AND he’s acting like an idiot – something he most certainly is not – but he’s putting on a rather convincing show of it.

Here’s the tough part for my friend: he’d rather act like he doesn’t know that she knows what she’s doing than deal with the fact he has always known. He has played a fool (and a jackass many times) while telling himself he was just above the fray. Why would he want to look at that honestly? Why would anybody? It would mean he’s as responsible for the misery in their marriage as she is. A lot has been lost. Maybe it’s easier to not deal with the dark side. Maybe he should just bide his time. What do you think?