We were recently visiting my parents in the back woods of North Carolina where they bought their retirement log cabin. While perseverating about what’s for dinner as well as about all the ways my mother wants her kitchen kept is all fine and good, we still make a point of getting out as much as we can. Our favorite thing to do is to take the girls and ride down the Green River on inner tubes.

This 4th of July weekend the river was packed to the gills and the colorful crowd (and language) was fun for my young daughters to see and hear. I’m just waiting to hear some of the new phrases they heard to be belted out at the dinner table right next to the kitchen my mom likes to keep just so.

Anyway, one group in particular stood out for me as they inspired this blog post. They were a particularly drunk silly and funny group of young people. One young man we might call “Big Fella”. That’s southern for large, grand, and generally spilling over his swim trunks – at one point giving my daughters a site that no one should see at any age when he stood up and bent forward in front of them. They just kept looking at me wide eyed as if I could fix it. Maybe she could pull up his pants for him…

Just kidding.  Not about the behind the scenes viewing or the bad language – it all really happened – but this group was nice enough and they made me laugh a lot. Especially, Big Fella. He had a lot of self-deprecating humor about his size and later about his sexuality and I owe him my gratitude for getting me blogging again. Here’s how it went.

About half way down the river we caught up to this group. They were being joined by an even more drunk funnier young man who was hollering at them from the side of the river. Big Fella was in the river holding onto a couple of his mates, waiting for the newcomer to make it into the river. He made some homophobic comment about holding hands with other men and then invited the drunk off his rocker really funny newcomer to do the same. Whereupon the newcomer, dripping with sarcasm, hollered that the big fella could hold onto his d*ck. I’m so glad my children were there to witness all the fun. Anyway, to this friendly invitation, Big Fella replied:

“I may not be WHAT you want, but I’ll be ALL you want!”

While I was laughing (with my back turned so my kids couldn’t see) I was actually thinking about the lower and higher desire pattern we get stuck in in marriage – when one partner wants sex more than the other.

About half of us go along in our married sex lives knowing that WHAT we are giving our partners really isn’t WHAT they want – but it’s ALL they want. It’s ALL they want of WHAT they don’t really want.

So why do we continue to beg them for more of this? Why do we determine with all of our strength to push for more of this?

What might happen if we stepped back and waited for what we really wanted?

I know, you don’t believe that they will ever want sex again. But there is a bigger issue at stake here – your sense of self-respect – your integrity – your dignity.

I can tell you, there is nothing sexier in a human being than self-respect.

You may be ALL she wants right now, but are you WHAT she wants? More importantly, are you WHAT you want? Are you WHO you want to be?