In most couples, one partner wants more sex (or love or connection or romance, etc.) than the other. This differential can cause all kinds of difficulties in the relationship, even though it is a natural phenomenon. The partner who wants more often feels lonely, angry, and rejected while the partner who wants “less” often feels badgered, inadequate, and less than. Pop-culture teaches us that men are the higher desire partners, but this is a stereotype. About half of heterosexual couples in my therapy practice identify the wife as the higher desire partner. Gay and lesbian couples also experience the same difference in sexual desire.
Previous sex therapies have focused on the low desire partner in trying to get him or her interested in sex. Therapy was “successful” if the couple began having more frequent sex or if genital functioning returned. But the inequality in the bedroom persisted. It was almost like the therapy confirmed the lower desire partner’s worst feeling that they were inadequate and less than. A different therapy, known as The Crucible Approach, by David Schnarch, suggests that it is the very “inequality” or power struggle in the bedroom that is the target for work – not frequency of sex. After all, there is no established correlation between sexual satisfaction and frequency of sex. Just because you’re having sex, doesn’t mean that it’s the sex you want to be having!
Resolution for these couples begins with the lower desire person getting clearer about the value of their opinions and deeply held principles and then standing firm in them – generally a tall order for people. The high desire partner’s work begins a bit differently with answering the questions: Why am I desperate for more of the same? What am I really looking for during sex? How am I getting in the way of the intimacy I’m seeking? The opportunity for each partner is an opportunity for growth – for pushing past individual limitations. The focus isn’t on “fixing” your partner or trying to get your partner to “lay off”. The focus is on self. As Victor Frankl so eloquently stated, “When we are no longer able to change a situation we are challenged to change ourselves.”
(Please note: The ideas in this article have been developed and researched by Drs. David Schnarch, Ruth Morehouse, and Susan Regas. You can read about Dr. Schnarch’s work further in his books, Passionate Marriage and Resurrecting Sex. Audio CD’s Secrets of A Passionate Marriage are also highly recommended.)
