So You’re in Love with the Other Woman (orMan)

Of course you are. Wasn’t that the point? No sarcasm here. Just observation. Being in love would absolutely be my drug of choice if we could find a way to bottle it. There’s absolutely nothing like it. Well, I’m told maybe cocaine is a lot like it, but then you have all that crashing and trouble with the law. Side effects. There are no side effects with being in love, nothing insurmountable anyway. If you’re married, however, and having an affair with another, you do have a choice to make.

“I can’t stop thinking ‘bout you girl;

I’m must be living in a fantasy world

I’m so high on you!”

- Survivor

The standard of treatment when one member of a couple is having an affair seems to be that the therapist has to tell you to stop seeing that person and to stop all contact. I certainly understand the approach. We therapists want things to be clean, straightforward. We want no lying in our therapy offices that are supposed to be safe and thereby healing so we ask you to stop seeing him/her to try to create that space for safety to occur.

I take a different approach. I’m not going to ask you to stop seeing her (him), because 1) I’m not crazy (most of the time) and 2) I don’t want to rob you of the very choice that can save you.

Here’s what I mean.

1) I’M NOT CRAZY

The hard truth is that you have lied to your partner and there’s no reason I should think you don’t want to lie to me too. There is no logic in my believing that perhaps because I’m a therapist or because I’m nice or because I might reason that you’re spending so much money to see me (thinking that people really want to change – change hurts too much for most) that you have some intrinsic need to tell me the truth too. So, if I say, “Stop seeing him (her)” what’s to make me believe that you will? This just sets up in the therapy office the same dynamic you are likely stuck in with your spouse – s/he is demanding you stop seeing him/her and you are having a hard time being honest about it in response. And around and around and around you go.

2) HAVING YOUR COCAINE AND SMOKING IT TOO

(The very choice that can save you)

By definition of having an affair, you have had your cocaine and you’ve been smoking it too. An affair is all about not having to make a choice between the two.

Perhaps your partner drives you nuts. Perhaps you have long standing arguments that you have learned to live with but you’re just not happy anymore. Perhaps the bitterness is alive and well between you and you fight about it constantly. So, you go outside your marriage – without actually leaving your marriage.

This feels great. You’re high on the new relationship. Sometimes, though, you begin to have difficulties in this new relationship. Perhaps you start to get bored. Perhaps they get tired of your not making a choice (to leave your spouse) and you start arguing about it. Perhaps, in all of your wishes for a happier life, you begin to see that you are the same you in that relationship as you are at home. So you go to your spouse and try to get close but you bump up against the same old boredom or conflict and your back to the other woman (man) again.

Back and forth. Back and forth. You get the best of both worlds. Stability and identity on the one hand. The fantasy of youth and being in love on the other.

Cocaine.

The choice you never make is the choice for love.

LOVE

The word is so misused and misunderstood that sometimes we come to think of it as we do cocaine; love is proclaimed as “real” when you’re high on it, when it makes you feel lighter, younger, sexier, and more open than you ever have been.

‘It must be real’ we tell ourselves. Otherwise why would we be feeling this good?

But love, the kind that makes the world go around, isn’t for cowards. It requires action. It requires we make a choice.

I’ve come to think of love as two-fold: 1) It means little if there is no action supporting it and 2) True love only comes with self-respect and self-love which can’t co-exist with playing both sides, having your cocaine and smoking it too.

Self-respect and self-love come from rising to the conflicts and inequities of our relationships. Having an affair is just a way to relieve the pressure of the limited choices before us.

MAKING THE CHOICE FOR LOVE

Should you cut off all contact with the other woman (man)? The first question to ask yourself is:

Are you trying to convince someone you are trustworthy?

If you are, then hold on a minute. This isn’t about trustworthiness. This is about desire and what you really want in life. Do you want to live life straight or do you want to keep screwing others at the cost of your own peace or integrity?

If you decide that life is more than just a cocaine high, then you have a choice to make. Get busy living or get busy dying. If you want to live then get honest. Get real.

- Kathy Morelli, LPC said...
I like this post. It is very relevant to my practice, and I always wonder how to discuss “passion” and “affairs” with ppl who either are in dual relationships or fantasize alot about dual relationships. This is very helpful.
- Cherry Woodburn said...
Good points that the cheating spouse could/would also lie to you, especially if their spouse is in the room.
I also think, which you say but in a different way, that we have an unrealistic vision of love and of marriage. Perhaps it’s that we have an unrealistic view of life and its travails – that we think we’re to be happy virtually all the time.
- Linda said...
Love the honesty here, Miriam. I think sometimes couples come to therapy so that the therapist will “tell” the unfaithful partner to cut contact, and that s/he is “bad.”

I like the line, “I’m not responsible for the outcome of your relationship,” at the orientation phase of therapy. I think it sets a clean boundary and protects the therapist from taking sides. When things get contentious in the therapy room, I like to silently say “I’m not the cause, and I’m not the cure.”

Integrity–the lack thereof, is what gets us into messes in the first place. Whether relationships, the law, or the workplace…can’t live a clean, healthy life without it.

Self-love and self-respect cannot co-exist with lying. But cocaine, can.

Wonderful analogy and post:)
- Irene said...
Fantastic post Miriam,
You manage to describe in an engaging and exciting way that the conscious choice is born out of respect and love for yourself and the other. That can be a very painful process. Thank you so much for writing this and helping people understand – also therapists. You made some good points about why the cheater would be truthful the therapist if not to her/himself.
- Elizabeth Thomas said...
OK as a future therapist, this post makes me wonder then what you “do” about the affair? Do you talk at all about the other lover? Where does therapy begin – after the person finds integrity and breaks it off, or when they’re still with the lover and in your office?

Inquiring minds want to know!!
- Miriam Bellamy said...
Wow! Thanks for such great comments!

To Cherry – yes! That’s exactly what I’m talking about – the unrealistic expectations that love and intimacy only feel good. Intimacy can be one of the most painful things we do. Oh so worth the pain in the end – but bittersweet for sure.

Linda – like your mantra – “I’m not the cause and I’m not the cure.” We have a lot to do keeping ourselves grounded when working with emotional intensity! Thanks. (Also love your addition “…but cocaine can.” Leave it to you with your awesome writing and humor!)

Elizabeth – There are many different schools out there on what to do about an affair. I’m in the Bowen/Differentiation school which is very different from most. I am NOT an attachment theorist which has scooped up the vast majority of attention of therapists these days. It’s about growth and connection to me – not attachment.
So what do we talk about? I work very hard to help people focus on themselves – not the other lover, not their spouse. We very quickly get side tracked off of our own growth and want to talk about what the other has or has not done for us. This other-focus just keeps people stuck. It’s only when we take FULL responsibility for ourselves – our emotions and thoughts and actions – even after an affair that we are free and that we grow up. There’s tons to talk about. Never a lull or dull moment!
So- specifically – we talk about their two-choice dilemmas. There’s always a two-choice dilemma. If you want more on that see David Schnarch’s material: “Constructing the Sexual Crucible” – change your life kind of stuff!
- Rich said...
This is an amazing post Miriam with a lot to think about. Once again, I love the way you think. The highlight for me; The heart of the best is in the second to the last paragraph:

“This is the beauty of a deep, powerful love – the moments when loving your spouse by being the best spouse for them is the same as loving yourself. ”

Thank you for your clarity!

So You’re in Love with the Other Woman (orMan)

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