A few years ago, a husband was in my office with his wife. He had cheated. It was a co-worker who had aggressively seduced him. He told his wife and they began working very hard, using popular books and ideas about what to do after an affair, to reassure each other that they still loved each other. When I say working really hard, I mean they practically sat on top of each other every night for hours, her asking for reassurance, for validation, for details, him giving it all voluminously. They did this, nightly mind you, for 6 or 8 months before they came to see me…because it wasn’t working. Somehow, even though they were following main stream advice on what to do after an affair to the Nth degree, their anxiety was increasing.
So what was going wrong?
No Leg to Stand On
One session with the couple I asked the husband what thoughts he was having in the moments when his wife was requesting reassurance and validation. His answer: “I don’t have a leg to stand on, so what choice do I have? I cheated. I have to answer every question.”
My answer was something to the effect of: “I guess, at some point, you’ve got to find your legs.”
If you are the one who has cheated, what legs will you stand on?
Validating Your Wife?
Putting yourself in the position of being more responsible for your spouse’s validation than s/he is willing to be, like the husband above, is a “no legs” position. It’s weak and walking nowhere. Whether your marriage was happy before the affair I’m going to guess that you placed an extraordinary amount of pressure on yourself to validate your wife – to make her happy, to provide for her security, to behave in a certain way as to please her – emotionally, mentally, sexually, etc. – to the point that you began to hide how you truly felt and who you truly were? Is it possible that your feeling of responsibility for your spouse rather than to yourself (and your integrity) has been part of the problem all along? How is it that being responsible for her now is going to solve anything except maybe some short lived relief of anxiety? Without your legs to stand on, what will this accomplish? Part of the reason the aforementioned couple was struggling was because the very solution they were trying only encouraged the husband to continue to have no legs, no integrity.
Validating Your Husband?
If you’re a woman who has cheated you know very well that trying to reassure your husband of your love for him after an affair gets you into a rough spot and, more often than not, off your legs and on your back. Many women who have cheated feel like they have to make it up to their spouses, often by having sex with them whether they want to or not. “How can you say no?” you may ask yourself. Again, working from a no-leg-to-stand-on position, at best, is only going to relieve short term anxiety. Building a foundation of integrity in closeness has a farther reach.
The Moral of the Story
What the husband finally did was to quietly, lovingly, and firmly tell his wife “no” when she began to ask for reassurance or validation. She was not happy at first but over time she began to see the merits of having a husband who wasn’t wishy-washy. Wishy-washy is what got him in trouble in the first place after all! How could more wishy-washy give her confidence in the long run? It is far more powerful and important and beneficial to your marriage to validate yourself so that you can stand tall and stand still, on your own two legs.
Have you cheated? Has this post been helpful to you? What other resources have you found that are directed to help you, “the cheater”? Were they helpful?
Stay tuned for A Leg to Stand On Part Two to learn what other moves you can make for the good of your integrity and your marriage.
If you have cheated, check out So You’re in Love with the Other Woman (Man) too!
