Married Sex is SUPPOSED to be Bad
Warning: This blog post may contain material unsuitable for puppies and kittens. (Seriously, be notified – I’m having a bit of fun in this one and some might consider this over much – but somebody has to talk about it! I’m just sayin’!)
Note: Dr. David Schnarch is the first person I know of to talk about what he calls high and low desire partners. Here’s my take on it:
No, the title doesn’t mean the good kind of “bad” sex – the kind where we get to be naughty, erotic, and theatrical. Hehehe. Sorry to disappoint anyone who was looking for a little fun. But stick around! Hopefully by the end of the blog you’ll see a path for your own inner sex kitten. For now, I mean bad as in boring, same old thing, non-existent, take what you can get, or outright terrible. Many people, from the religious to the therapized, sell a lie that married sex is SUPPOSED to be mind blowing, all night, hot and heavy, sex machine kind of sex – or at the very least somewhat enjoyable and regular. We, the rest of us, have bought it to our own detriments. It is more accurate to say that married sex CAN BE good sex, REALLY good, like passionate, erotic, transcend you to a higher place kind of good – but only after it’s gotten really, really bad…as in…bad. It is bad, you see, on evolutionary purpose – because good sex requires maturity, a.k.a. humility, generosity, and at least a developing sense of self-respect – something that generally only develops with cellulite, wrinkles, and grey hair. Typically, not with your every day, average super model or muscle hunk (not that muscle hunks and super models can’t get there too. You know what I mean.)
Let’s start at the beginning with:
- High-Desire-Henry and (HDHenry)
- Low-Desire-Lucinda. (LDLucinda)
Yes, I’m going with the stereotypes here – the stereotype being that men want more sex than women. Be reassured that about 30% of the women I see are the higher desire partners. I’ve heard other therapists quote as high as 50% of their female clients being the HDP.
HDHenry is a hound dog. He loves him some sex – upside down, right side up, in the kitchen, in the shower, apparently on her head, and as often as he can get.
This, by the way, is the idealized image of what “good sex” takes in this culture. LDLucinda likes sex with HDHenry, at least at the beginning. He’s free and adventuresome. He helps her feel liberated and full, like a little sex kitten, but she’s not quite sure who she is sexually. She’s a kitten after all. (Neither does HDHenry, by the way. It just looks like he does because he fits a cultural norm.
Then they get married and all the implicit pressure to be the “happily married couple who is having sex at a minimum of three times a week whether they like it or not” silently descends upon their little house with the white picket fence. Maybe they have a kid or two or more OR they struggle to have kids but can’t. Either way, something changes. HDHenry is still a hound dog and he wants sex any way he can get it. Perhaps he has become more of a hound dog to do so. LDLucinda begins to really prefer the right side up kind of sex and she likes to stick to that. (Apparently she doesn’t like to be head-humped.) Actually, she’s starting to stick to right side up sex and only right side up because she’s starting to feel just a little bit hounded. She has set her own sexual kitten – her identity, expression, and desire aside. In fact, she sets it aside so much that she forgets she even has it and even begins to believe that she never did.
Meanwhile, HDHenry doesn’t mind the right side up sex too much – certainly not to hold off for something more. Heaven forbid! After all, it’s sex! It’s access to the holy ground which, of course, makes him feel less like a dog. Only, he has to act like a dog to get it anymore. So HDHenry is in a real fix. It’s not just about horniness, contrary to popular belief, because he’d give up his very soul for it and does so regularly. He does so by not only accepting, but eventually begging for less than what he really wants. That’s not biological drive folks – that’s a dog of totally different color. Generally, it has to do with a need to be validated.
LDL picks up on this need as it presents itself and both are generally in a pretty bad mood at this point. She gets that whatever leftovers she puts out there, he’s going to lap it up like the thirsty mongrel he is. So that’s all she puts out there – the bare minimum – for a multitude of reasons. One, she thinks she HAS to do at least SOMETHING sexual. She doesn’t like it when the hound dog whimpers because she thinks deep down that she’s responsible for it so she has to soothe it. Two, he’s only a hound dog after all. Three, she’s unsure of her own sexual identity. She knows she “should” want it. Isn’t that what the feminists taught us? But what if HDHenry is right? What if she really is a sexual adolescent? Finally, and this one may be tough to hear, on a certain level, she gets to feel better than him – he’s only a hound dog after all. Herein lies the birth of mercy fucking. Ahhhh! There. I said it. Herein lies the birth of mercy fucking.
This, by the way, is not a communication issue as most approaches to this issue proclaim.
Most people seem to think that if they could just somehow communicate more clearly or just be understood by their partners then everything would be OK. The reality is HDHenry and LDLucinda understand quite well what the other is communicating. As David Schnarch says, they just can’t stand the message.
The couple is polarized if not at each others throats. HDHenry is seen as either the sex expert or the hound dog. Either sex is natural and everyone should want it (a lot!) so what’s wrong with you OR he sees himself as a dog and thinks he’s all wrong.
Correspondingly, if HDHenry is the sex expert then LDLucinda must be a sexual adolescent so we’ve got to get her in to see a doctor or therapist because we need to “fix” her. If HDHenry is feeling like he’s a dog then LDLucinda can really lord it over him. Poor thing! It’s just his “nature” to be so out of control of himself. He is, after all, just a hound dog. Herein lies TONS of material for comedians while real couples suffer in private agony…because it’s not supposed to be this way. We are SUPPOSED to be having great sex.
Can you see how this lie – that married sex is SUPPOSED to be wonderful and automatically intimate and fun – has affected you?
Couples go on in with this sexual turmoil for years and very often end in divorce, not knowing it’s normal. That’s right folks. It’s normal, but not just normal. It’s evolution at work on the minds and hearts of the human race. Bad married sex is on evolutionary purpose.
Evolution of humankind
Why? Because bad married sex is asking something of us.
It is asking the LDLucindas of the world to define more clearly who they really want to be in close personal spaces. It is asking them to stop looking down on others – to play it straight – to not send the mixed message that is mercy fucking – to plunge into the unknown world of letting themselves be truly seen – the good and the bad – so that passion and love making have a chance.
It is asking the HDHenrys of the world to stop looking to others to define their sense of worth and meaning and to stop punishing others for not defining them in a positive light. It is asking them to recognize in peace where they end and another begins. It is asking them to stop grasping for love and to start being grounded in love.
Obviously, there is some complexity here. I’ll address it more in Part Two of this post.
Now ask yourself this: If Lucinda and Henry were able to act more authentically, would evolution not have done its job here? Authentic people make the world a better place. We like authentic people. We are drawn to them. They help us feel more open, more loving, and more generous. When we are authentic we can have good sex. Could the world not use a few more of these folks today?
For more posts on sex – a bit toned down from this one – check out:
